April, it is not so nice to see you.

It seems like an eternity since I have last posted. Partly because life: it gets busy and Caleb keeps us super active and exhausted. And partly because I have been at a loss for words and haven’t known what to share lately. It’s April. April. I cannot believe it. We are one quarter down with 2016.

April. I have dreaded seeing this month for many months now because this is month when we should be welcoming our sweet precious twins Arden and Nasa into the world. But, we are not. And that is hard y’all. These last 6 months have been some of the hardest months I have ever lived. It is has been a refining time. A time of questioning, of doubt, of wondering “where are you God?” I never asked for this, to be in this club of women who lose their children. Yet, here we are.

And you know what I have learned? God is still good. He is still in control. And if anything this trial has brought me closer to him and allowed me to experience him in a more intimate way and has grown my faith more than ever. He has walked through this fire with me. He has calmed me and comforted me and encouraged me with his love. He has allowed us to love on others who have walked through this journey after us. And that has been so sweet to be able to say “hey, I know exactly what you are going through and how you feel, because I have been there.” And, He knows exactly how I feel because He lost his son once too. And man, that is comforting.

I know He has a plan, a good and perfect plan. And though I may not understand (he probably doesn’t want me to) I can trust him-the good shepherd. He is guiding and directing us with his tender love. And although on April 24 I will not be holding my precious little ones, someone greater and much more loving is holding them now. And they are in the perfect place with no pain and no suffering. And there is hope because God is LIFE. And in Him I have life and Arden and Nasa have life too.

 

To those who have walked this journey with us: Thank you. Thank you for the food, for the calls, for the emails, for the random drop-ins, for the words of encouragement, for the prayers. We could not have made it through without each of you. I ask that you continue to pray for us: for strength and comfort during these next several weeks as the heaviness of that day is quickly approaching. Pray for my heart that it would continue to trust in the plan the Lord has for us and that I would not make the desire to have more children an idol. Pray that I would continue to love Caleb well and be extremely grateful for the blessings God has given us and be thankful that I have had the privilege of suffering for Christ. To Him be the glory forever and ever.